12/4/25: Bit Court

The truth shall set us free

Ed’s note: The below is the long-overdue solo byline debut for Samuel. Over the past year and 100+ (!) posts his fingerprints have been all over the newsletter, and he’s garnished a fair number of co-bylines. However, this one is all him. It’s important to acknowledge this, both as a way of thanking him for his invaluable contributions over the past year, and to make authorship crystal clear for when journalism award season comes around. Thank you as always for reading The Light Bat.

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Over the past year, we have witnessed this esteemed publication courageously present a series of extremely serious, non-satirical positions to the world, only to have the low-minded masses question whether these were, in fact, “a bit.” The King’s Court, in its infinite wisdom, has repeatedly affirmed that The Light Bat speaks only the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help us Lutheran God.

To clear our good name we have compiled a series of recent rulings that have of course ruled in the favor of The Light Bat, providing further evidence that it has never been a bit. We are serious.

Big Mariner Doubt LLC v. The Light Bat

Post: The Light Bat’s 2024-2025 Offseason Plan

Date: December 6, 2024

Quote:

Trust in yourselves, Mariners. Honor the work already done. Rest. It’s time. Do not make any moves in the 2024-2025 offseason.

#NoMoves

Question of Bit:

Did The Light Bat genuinely propose a #NoMoves offseason, OR is #NoMoves a bit about the Tommy La Stellaization of Mariner offseasons?

Opinion of the Court:

The Court finds the suggestion that the #NoMoves Movement was “a bit” as offensive and untoward of this court. It is the logical endgame derived from every single Jerry Dipoto offseason since *[sighs heavily]* November 2015. It is Ultimate Mariber, and to confuse The Light Bat’s argument of strategic constraint with an actual desire for a Transact is misguided.

VERDICT:

Sodo Neighborhood Association v. The Light Bat

Post: Modest Proposal to Defeat the Marine Layer And/Or Find and Kill God

Date: January 31, 2025

Quote:

I’m not going to bury the lede here. Securing a safe, longterm future for our beloved Seattle Mariners and providing our hometown nine with minimal resistance to their mighty flyballs requires bold imagination. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t you just melt the north pole? That seems pretty bold!” And yes, it was. Thank you for noticing. But I’m thinking BIGGER! GRANDER! MORE…….HIGH UP! I give you: Mariners Ballpark at Mount Saint Helens (Brought to you by Draft Kings):

Question of Bit:

Did The Light Bat sincerely advocate for the Seattle Mariners to construct a new ballpark in the crater of Mount St. Helens, OR is this proposal a “bit” meant to criticize baseball’s obsession with blaming the marine layer for offensive suppression when Nelson Cruz has done this?

Opinion of the Court:

Climate Change Arena cannot stop the waters from finding the infield grass of The Magenta Manor at T-Mobile (not brought to you by Draft Kings). The Light Bat correctly identifies that the Seattle Mariners must INNOVATE, and lays out a feasible plan for the baseball club to play its games in the friendly confines of Mount St. Helens’ lava dome.

VERDICT:

Roman Catholic Church v. The Light Bat

Post: Is There a Shadowy Vatican-Based Conspiracy to Defeat the Mariners?

Date: May 16, 2025

Quote:

Since Pope Leo XIV was raised to the papacy the Mariners have gone 1-5, with the worst wRC+ in the sport…This papal decree has castigated the Seattle Mariners, and withdrawn them from God’s light.

Question of Bit:

Did The Light Bat actually accuse His Holiness of conspiring against the Seattle Mariners because the Roman Catholic Church’s existence is threatened by a Good Mariners Baseball Club?

Opinion of the Court:

Investigative journalist Tom Hanks’ 2006 documentary, The Da Vinci Code, has shown the lengths the Catholic Church will go when the institution feels threatened. Newly entered evidence has even shown “The Baseball Pope” threatening the Seattle Mariners on their very own charter plane (Exhibit Attached). This was a conspiracy uncovered by a humble newsletter which has historically spoken truth to power.

VERDICT:

The Mariner Moose v. The Light Bat

Post: Light Bat Exclusive - The Moose Files

Date: September 5, 2025

Quote:

The Mariner Moose is willfully making the Mariners lose baseball games in a desperate attempt to bury this headline. He wants the Mariner Doubt to be so great that you don’t care where the Moose was on January 6th. But you know what? That’s how the Mariner Moose wins and the Seattle Mariners lose.

Question of Bit:

Did The Light Bat launch a full-fledged investigation into the political activities of the Mariner Moose and accuse the Moose of sabotaging the Mariners to distract the public from a bombshell news report, OR was this a bit born out of frustration with a floundering Mariners team down the homestretch?

Opinion of the Court:

The evidence has clearly placed the Mariner Moose at multiple locations of extreme political activity, and his absence from court today is another indication of his unwillingness to cooperate with this ongoing investigation. Insinuating that The Light Bat is not a serious newsletter, staffed by serious journalists, covering a serious baseball team, is unconscionable. They are heroes.

VERDICT:

To our haters, we are sorry we have never been wrong. To our supporters, thank you for reading The Light Bit Bat *[shit]*.