Modest Proposals To Defeat the Mariner Layer And/Or To Find and Kill God

It's frankly absurd this newsletter is free

If you missed it earlier this week Mike Petriello from MLB.com published one of the more in-depth public examinations of the reasons behind T-Mobile Park becoming the most extreme offensive environment in MLB. It’s a great read and well worth your time.

Invariably in discussions regarding the Mariners’ home park environmental factors are addressed. Call it “The Marine Layer” or “Death Fog”, there’s prevailing opinion (and a fair amount of science) that asserts the air up here is generally no good for making baseball go far. The Light Bat, being a Mariner-focused newsletter and at least theoretically curious as to what the experience of watching the Mariners win lots of baseball games and scoring lots of runs might look like, feels compelled to offer a few proposals to overcome this region-specific handicap.

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1) THROUGH CONSISTENT FOCUS ASSEMBLE A COLLECTION OF BASEBALL PLAYERS WHO ARE VERY GOOD AT HITTING BASEBALLS

We’re starting off this list with easily the most absurd and outlandish idea, but I think it’s worth hearing me out. As the Mariners have stumbled and bumbled offensively for the large majority of Safeco Field/T-Mobile Park’s existence, one significant factor has continued to crop up consistently: The team keeps building rosters full of bad baseball players.

Now listen, I have nothing but respect for Tim Lopes, Trayvon Robinson, Miguel Cairo, Ben Davis, Brad Wilkerson, Chris Giminez, Greg Dobbs, Ben Broussard, Boog Powell, Ryon Healy, Domingo Santana, Yorvit Torrealba, ad infinitum. Becoming a Major League Baseball player of literally any track record or success level is an unbelievable achievement and testament to talent and work ethic. However, if the idea is that these kinds of players struggling to succeed in T-Mobile Park is proof that the stadium’s offensive environment is insurmountable I humbly submit that this is not a Launch Angle problem, but a LOFT problem. As in Lack of F****** Talent.

In fact on the few occasions the Seattle Mariners have grown or imported an elite offensive talent they almost always……

….do NOT die, and in fact do just fine! The very best hitters; Robinson Cano, Edgar Martinez, Nelson Cruz, etc. even hit exceptionally well! It is possible we have already discovered the key to defeat the Mariner Layer and simply locked it away and forgotten about it. See below (courtesy of Baseball Savant):

Again, we all understand this is not going to happen. Good baseball players 1) have to be identified (something this front office is not good at) (welcome back Jorge Polanco) and 2) paid for (something this ownership group absolutely refuses to consider. Except for Jorge Polanco. Lol). However, in the interest of thoroughness: Get guys who can hit real good, Mariners. Could be cool?

2) DISCREETLY LAUNCH A SMALL ARMADA OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR WARHEADS AT THE NORTH POLE

It’s as simple as shifting the paradigm of what we think is possible with weather, friends. Why continue to fight the ephemeral yet unstoppable forces of nature itself, when we can instead make them our ally? If T-Mobile Park is going to make it impossible for the Mariners to score runs, the simplest answer is to replace T-Mobile Park. Now I grant there is almost no feasible way the current political landscape will tolerate another taxpayer-funded sports palace, and the idea of having the Mariners - the people who use and profit off of it - pay for it is a similar non-starter.

That is where the nukes come in.

T-Mobile Park sits a mere nine feet above sea-level. Per Wikipedia at current rates of global warming the stadium will find itself at least partially submerged in approximately 2,000 years. While I acknowledge such a time table would line up perfectly with Jerry Dipoto’s contention timeline, I think most fans would like to hasten this sucker along. By detonating just a few thermonuclear warheads and melting the polar ice cap we will in our lifetimes see ourselves free of 1-0 home losses. It can be ours if John Stanton has the courage to do what is right! Behold!

With T-Mobile dealt with, the team can not only design and construct a stadium that will actually allow for runs to be scored, they can solicit bids from nearby, less elevation-challenged municipalities. The Bonney Lake Mariners? Nine innings at Lake Stevens Grounds? United States Navy Yard At Seabeck? The opportunities are sure to be plentiful and profitable. Disruption is the churn through which genius creates the future. Go Mariners.

3) FUTURE PROOF YOUR BASEBALL TEAM, EXPAND YOUR EMPIRE, AND HIT LOADS OF DINGERS WITH THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK

I’m not going to bury the lede here. Securing a safe, longterm future for our beloved Seattle Mariners and providing our hometown nine with minimal resistance to their mighty flyballs requires bold imagination. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t you just melt the north pole? That seems pretty bold!” And yes, it was. Thank you for noticing. But I’m thinking BIGGER! GRANDER! MORE…….HIGH UP! I give you: Mariners Ballpark at Mount Saint Helens (Brought to you by Draft Kings):

• This proposal puts Mariners baseball at an elevation of a whopping 8,363’ for 81 games a year. At such heights 70 and perhaps even 80 home runs seasons will become commonplace. Mariner hitters will come to dominate baseball’s record books in approximately 10-15 years, leading to ravenous hordes of fans and media covering their exploits. All of this is excellent for business.

• You might be concerned about how those hordes will get to a ballpark located a 2+ hour drive from the nearest metropolitan area. Once again your small and weak mind has held you back. Take a look at this image:

  

  What do you see? A whole lot of nothing? Well let me tell you what a visionary like Jerry Dipoto sees:

  

  That’s right, unburdened by the congestion of urbanity, the Mariners are finally free to develop their own real estate empire, with the ballpark serving as a lasting testament that quite literally looms over all. We’re talking chains of Hatback Grilles, dozens of Mariner-themed hotels, hostels, and glamping sites. The possibilities to more fully and thoroughly integrate Seattle Mariners Baseball into the diverse and numerous holdings of the Seattle Baseball Club LLC have never been more prevalent. It’s an exciting time, and our helpful and knowledgeable staff are ready for your call. Climbing even the tallest peak starts on the ground floor. Don’t delay!

• I can already hear your contrarian caterwauling:
  
  “Mount Saint Helens is a volcano! It exploded in my lifetime! I remember it!”
  
  Well first of all, way to age yourself there, geezer. SECONDLY Mount Saint Helens DID explode which SCIENTIFICALLY means it will not do so again. Additionally the thermal vents allow for excellent natural heating, keeping costs low.

• While Mr. Larson has expressed interest in building an elaborate and overly large set of living and operating quarters directly beneath the stadium, I don’t see any real cause for concern. While I’m not clear on what exactly the series of metal mounds jutting outward around the entire ring of the mountain are in these preliminary schematics, when asked he specifically said “WELL THEY AREN’T GIANT LASER BEAMS TO HELP ME OVERTAKE AND SUBJUGATE THE WORLD TO MY CRUEL AND PETTY WHIMS I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH”, so we can rest easy on that front.