5/16/25: Is There A Shadowy Vatican-Based Conspiracy to Defeat the Seattle Mariners?

It would make sense, wouldn't it?

Welcome to Friday afternoon. The journey to this point has been long and arduous. You probably have a weekend full of all the responsibilities and commitments you can’t get to Monday-Friday because of work. But for a few hours this evening, friends, we’re free. Free to kick back, hangout, and watch our Seattle Mariners play the vile “Padres” of “San Diego”*.

As I age I grow to recognize that the vast majority of life worth living is spent when there’s nothing much of anything going on. I hope you get that tonight; I hope you leave no fat on that restful, rejuvenating bone.

As for our beloved baseball team they have run into a bit of a rough patch. After a month or so of overcoming any and all foes in their path the Mariners have lost two straight series, and played as poorly as any team in baseball during that time. Is it injuries? Bad luck? Cruel regression to true talent level? I think it’s none of the above.

I think it’s the pope.

Let’s take a look.

*With Apple TV+ subscription. See terms for details.

On Monday, April 21st, Pope Francis left behind the shackles of his mortal frame to commune with his maker in paradise. At that time the Mariners found themselves at 12-10, well on-track for the kind of adequately competitive season they have become widely known for.

The death of His Holiness, however, seemed to have triggered something in the team. In the 16 days the Church was without a leader the Mariners blasted off on one of their most dominant stretches of play in years. The team went 10-4 with a +26 run differential, a team wRC+ of 140, and put themselves in the early-season discussion among the American League’s very best teams.

Was this a case of a deeply catholic group inspired by grief to new heights of performance? Perhaps a strong protestant contingent surging at the thought of the True Faith overcoming its seemingly eternal, monolithic oppressor? Or was it simply a random hot streak that had nothing to do with religion, but works nicely for the absurd premise of this newsletter?

We may never know the truth, sadly.

What we do know is that the Vatican clearly took notice; immediately electing the most baseball-aware pope in the history of the Catholic church. That’s right, the thought of a good Mariner team proved such a global threat to the established religious pecking order that Western Christendom’s oldest institution elected an American to combat this threat.

The shadowy tendrils of the ancient body’s many agents have been felt immediately. Since Pope Leo XIV was raised to the papacy the Mariners have gone 1-5, with the worst wRC+ in the sport. Additionally, their most recent opponents have the two best wRC+ marks over that same times. This means, since this noxious conspiracy belched itself into being with the white smoke in Vatican City, the Mariners have had the worst run scoring and worse run prevention in the game.

It’s unclear if the conspiracy has yet breached the roster itself, or if its agents are merely working ceaselessly from the shadows to undermine our boys. What is clear is that its effects are (mostly) universal. Since the rise of the Hot Dog Pope almost every Mariner has performed significantly worse.

The data is obvious, immediate, and dramatic. This papal decree has castigated the Seattle Mariners, and withdrawn them from God’s light. The only player seemingly immune to the effects is Randy Arozarena. At this time, the safest assumption seems to be that Randy is simply too cool to separate from the divine, and faced with the certain schism such an act would cause the Church has instead chosen to anoint and bless him. I would certainly do the same.

Thus we will move forward working under the assumption that Randy Arozarena possesses the Divine Mandate of Heaven, at least until evidence to the contrary is presented (highly unlikely, in this newsletter’s opinion).

With a rotation devastated by injury, and a weekend series against the only baseball team named after members of the clergy, before a three-game series against Leo XIV’s own beloved White Sox, the Mariners must seek reconciliation with the Catholic Church for the sin of winning too many games after the old pope died.

Other baseball team’s have already taken notice of the Mariners’ folly, including divisional rival Texas:

The Rangers, clearly, have long had a plan in place to appease the Vatican, hiring Bret Boone as hitting coach just days before Leo’s ascendancy. While possessing zero professional coaching experience and a, uh, mixed track record off the field Boone possesses the good sense to stay off the record regarding the papacy:

We’ll keep an eye on this growing concern, as the Mariners’ straying from the church’s good graces threatens a promising start to the season. It’s entirely possible hiring such a Lutheran manager may prove too offensive to overcome.

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Thanks as always for another week of supporting and reading The Light Bat. We’ll be back Tuesday to see how the fellas got along. I am really unsure of what to expect, other than we’ll have fun no matter what. Enjoy the weekend!