The Light Bat: Arbitration Savings Spend-A-Thon

I am just an ideas guy

It’s that time of year again, friends. The grey is a slightly different shade of grey, it’s just warm enough to not be snowing yet far too wet to be outside, and body/mind/soul/credit card balance are most likely still experiencing a bit of a holiday hangover. But fear not! Mid-January may be a bleak, turgid, lifeless experience in the Pacific Northwest but it is also Major League Baseball’s arbitration season, and who doesn’t love a chance for our favorite baseball team to haggle with its players over what amounts to the team as financial rounding errors*?!

*I’d say the sum of moneys being argued over in these arbitration figures is less than John Stanton pays in taxes but let’s be honest: As a billionaire there is no way John Stanton pays taxes. This is America.

To get an idea of how the team did we first need to do one of a baseball fan’s favorite things and that’s look at projections. EVEN better than that these are financial projections, and we absolutely love to look at financial projections. While the physical thrill of swinging, throwing, and catching a baseball in a verdant field under an azure sky is definitely what made me fall in love with baseball in the first place, figuring out how much money each player was worth was a clear and obvious second.

Thanks to the nice folks at MLB Trade Rumors we have a handy list of arbitration projections for the Seattle Mariners. Unfortunately since the list was made some of our boys were found to be of insufficient character to continue to wear the compass rose, and have since shuttled off to new, doubtless inferior franchises. Here is an updated list, thanks to my colleague Samuel:

These figures were obviously far, far too high for Mariner ownership to endure, and thanks to the Power of Numbers and a crack team of analysts the team was able to make their players see as such. Here are the actual figures agreed to, thus avoiding the distasteful process of letting a third-party arbitrator determine the players’ salaries:

So, what have we learned?

Projected Cost for Arbitration-Eligible Players in 2025: $34.9 Million

Actual Cost for Arbitration-Eligible Players in 2025: $32.6075 Million

$34.9 million - $32.6075 million = $2,292,500 in cost savings!!!

ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL OFFSEASON! SCOTCH AND CIGARS THAT’S LUNCH!

(Pictured: Me and the fellas IRL)

Now as Mariner fans and - as Light Bat readers - savvy businesspersons we all know the Mariners will simply sock away those savings deep into the vault below T-Mobile Park, right next to the unicorn blood and weathered 2x4s John Stanton insists are pieces of Noah’s Ark he found when he went to the Middle East. THAT SAID this article is far too short to publish, and in the Winter of No Moves content is SCARCE. Therefore let us examine a few things one could purchase for around $2,292,500:

• Invest in Real Estate
  
  Always a safe long-term investment, the Puget Sound’s robust real estate market offers a plethora of housing options in the $2.2-$2.3 million dollar price range, catering to a variety of lifestyles and aesthetic tastes. For the purposes of our beloved Seattle Mariners I recommend this lovely early-20th century manor. With romantic and charming old-world stylings, yet tasteful modern updating, this home offers easy access to the underrated dining and recreation of downtown Tacoma, as well as convenience to Cheney Stadium, were one interested in researching the flaws that can be exploited for further savings in future Mariners could spend their evenings. Additionally, at over 7500 square feet of living space, this home offers Mariner ownership the plausible excuse that the team’s World Series trophies are simply “on display in a different room.” As a licensed real estate agent, I encourage John Stanton and Chris Larson to contact me directly to arrange for a personal tour.
  
  

• Approximately 80,000 Jorge Polanco Seattle Mariner Shirseys (On Sale)
  
  This may seem like a foolish purchase at first glance, as Jorge Polanco was not a good Seattle Mariner and is also not currently a Seattle Mariner. Additionally, 80,000 shirseys is simply too many shirseys. HOWEVER, given that the Seattle Mariners still do not have a major league quality starting second baseman and Jorge Polanco is currently without a team for the 2025 season, buying out the entire inventory of Seattle Mariner Jorge Polanco shirsey while on sale offers the opportunity to then flip them at full price once Jorge Polanco is re-signed by the team, the profit on the exchange thus paying his (regrettably real) salary. BUY THE DIP, MARINERS!
  
  

• The Stuart Hughes Prestige HD Supreme Rose Edition Television (55”)
  
  Touted as “the most expensive television in the world”, and for good reason. Consider the list of features:
  
  -Rose gold frame: The frame is made of 28 kilograms of 18-carat rose gold, exuding opulence and luxury
  
  -Brilliant Diamonds: the setting sparkles with 72 flawless diamonds, each weighing 1 carat and cut in a round shape.
  
  -Gemstones: the TV is embellished with Sunstone and Amethyst, adding further charm. (Ed’s Note: Personally I find the idea that they could somehow add even further charm to this already deeply charming television preposterous but it is right there on the website so)
  
  -Crocodile leather: the inner layer of the screen is meticulously lined with hand-stitched crocodile leather, adding a touch of sophistication to this extraordinary masterpiece.
  
  While the retail price of $2.5 million sadly puts this piece just out of budget, I can think of no better task for Jerry Dipoto than to set him to talking the price down a few hundred grand. Lord knows he is not doing anything else at the moment.
  
  

• Pass the Savings Down to You, the Fan
  
  It is no secret that the Mariners have been struggling to maintain the trust and goodwill of their fans the past few seasons, what with the squandering of a potential contention window and insulting them directly and explicitly and all. While the fans should doubtless just be grateful that the team even continues to play a frankly completely unreasonable 162 games every single season, the rabble must needs to be appeased from time to time.
  
  For that reason I’d like to propose that the team offer 20% off on appetizers* on Thursday home games between 4:00-4:30 at Hatback Bar & Grille. The loss of income would be regrettable, but the doubtless tidal wave of goodwill earned should be enough to offset in ticket sales. Sadly it is true that sometime you have to spend money to make money, but we are working on fixing that issue and hope to have a solution in the near future. Unlimited growth forever.
  
  *With purchase of full price entree limit two per table

These are, of course, just a few ideas. I’m but a humble blogger and have no doubt that whatever the Mariners choose to do with their arbitration savings will be of greater impact and deeper wisdom than I could ever devise. They are, after all, very rich, and if we’ve learned anything in recent times it’s that you don’t get to be rich unless you are extremely smart.

Whatever direction they decide to go, my heartiest and most sincere congratulations to Seattle Mariner ownership on successfully causing the bar on the chart to slightly differentiate from the other bar on the chart. Goms, and Go Biz.